For some time I have been meaning to write a blog post about the Resurrection of Christ. This thinking began at the beginning of March over breakfast with a fellow seminarian and friend. We got to talking about the resurrection and decided that it should be understood as a continual process rather than a one time event. I then later decided that it also really can’t be understood without consideration of the sociopolitical climate of the time.
The Roman Empire was powerful and mighty and it was imposing that might on poor farmers. Roman authorities used religious leaders like the chief priest (Sadducees) to collect taxes and enforce Roman laws. Meanwhile other religious leaders (Pharisees) were pretty irrelevant. There was a lot of inequality. People were poor and many were homeless and living in the streets. Jesus came to where the people were with a message for everyone that basically said that you don’t have to stay stuck the way you are. You are not who society says you are, you are who God says you are. You can change. You can grow. You can heal. There is more.
Jesus was such a threat to Rome that they crucified him. People didn’t get crucified every day, it was a death reserved for the most vile offenders. They killed him. And he returned in three days!! The victory in the story is that the resurrection communicates that those things that are true, spiritual and Of God are more powerful than any societal structure that humanity could ever create on its own.
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Tonight I am thinking about the concept of victory in my own life. Kesner’s mom said “First comes suffering, then healing, then victory.” I have lived by that over the last three years: I suffered and healed and up until recently I was waiting for my victory to arrive. I was looking for “my victory” to arrive from an external source (ie Common on my doorstep=victory!!); but I realized the other day that I am already victorious. My victory has been accomplished through an internal process. Today I am strong. I can do things today that I could never do before. I am fluid, I am growing, I AM resurrecting…
Its 5AM and I am perched comfortably in a private third floor bedroom belonging to a lovely stranger named John. I met John on Friday (its Sunday) when I moved into his beautiful Montclair, NJ home for the weekend.
John’s Home
I met John through Air BnB https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/596487. Air Bed and Breakfast is an internet platform that allows every day people to open their homes to serve as bed and breakfasts. It is the sort of thing that allows a traveler, like me, to experience the comfort of home away from home; typically at a fraction of the cost of a hotel.
When I arrived at John’s on Friday evening there were four strangers sitting around a fire-place with red wine, fine cheese, good music and conversation. There was Katie from Connecticut, in town for a funeral; Matthias, the Swedish executive, in town for work; John, our host, who used to be in the zoo business; and Phineas, an eleven year old greyhound who lovingly rested his head in my lap as soon as I sat down to join them. And there I was also, Kim, an African American Yogini, in town for a yoga intensive training weekend.
John’s living room
It was a lovely meeting in a lovely home, we shared stories and small pieces of ourselves. At one point I heard Matthias say that it was so nice to be half way around the world, yet sitting in a comfortable home around a warm fire.
I grew up hearing told: “be careful how you entertain strangers because you may be in the presence of angels.” My mom used to say that to me and her father used to say that to her. I realize now that this is scripture. Specifically Hebrews 13:2 says: “Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.”
Hospitality is an ancient virtue and a gift; ancient hospitality codes actually required people to offer food, shelter and protection to travelers along the way. My great grandparents Bessie and James understood this. They opened their Tennesee farm on countless occassions to poor black farmers who needed a warm meal and a place to stay in the 1920′s and 30′s. Similarly my grandparents, William and Jessie Bell, opened their two family home in Ohio to boarders and factory workers from down south who were transitioning and looking to make a life for themselves up north during the 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s. And in the 80′s they became foster parents.
Showing kindness to a stranger is a radical gift but a lot of us dont get that. When we were children we were taught to be afraid of strangers and as adults many of us have adopted that as a way of life.
But, alas, we are a nation going through changes, as Common says. Many of those changes revolve around our plummeting economy and they will feel like growing pains if we allow them to. But we are a young and interesting country and once we cut back the excess, what’s left are interesting and diverse people, great music, a warm fire, sharing, and maybe some fine cheese.
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John has invited me to stay an additional night, we are going to watch the Oscars together.
Yoga has a sexual ethic embedded into one of its 8 limbs. The sanscrit word is Bramacharya, and it means something to the effect of “be chaste.” Its challenging to provide an exact translation to this 5,000 year old teaching because, much like with hebrew and greek translations of the Bible, we dont always have the right words in modern english for true interpretation of ancient language. In my interpretation, this teaching means that sexual restraint can be positive and powerful – not because sex is bad – but because sex is powerful and should not be engaged in if it can cause harm to you or another.
Thinking of sex as powerful (and not bad, sinful, shameful, whatever) is refreshing. As a minister, this old wisdom teaching is a gift to me. I am saddened by the absence of intergenerational conversations about sex in church and in other faith traditions. The ubiquitous silence is harm causing in my oppinion.
Brahmacharya gives me a conversation starter..
If you’re reading this, just ponder it – if sex is powerful, how might we harness and cultivate that power within our bodies when we excercise sexual restraint? How might harnessing that power make us powerful in other aspects of life? and how might harnessing that power make its release that much more magnificent when we choose to engage in sex with a loving partner with whom we have established commitments and agreements? Can we entertain attraction without subsequent action? What would a society with a different relationship with sex and sexuality look like?
Today I am commencing a six month yoga teacher training. I was asked to write an “intention paragraph” which I have also decided to share here. This is my intention, told in story-form, which is my speak:
A friend of mine was in lower Manhattan during the terrorist attacks on 9/11. She described the chaos in the streets, it was hard to see because the air was filled with soot, it was hard to hear because people were screaming, and it was hard to know which direction to go because no one knew which way was safe. Rather than participate in the chaos, my friend sat down on a curb in the midst of it. She watched people’s feet as they ran from left to right in a storm of confusion. And as she continued to sit still, she looked over her shoulder and she saw a small group of people sitting together under a tree, praying. She joined them. I am here today to cultivate that manner of stillness within me. The world is chaotic, sometimes the air is filled with soot and you can’t see which way to go. People will run from here to there, offering you their opinions but how can we know what is true? I am here to cultivate inner peace enough to give me the strength not to conform. I am here to cultivate the peace of stillness within me. I will bring these gifts to my husband, my children, and my community. Amen.
Practicing yoga has strengthened my mental and emotional fortitude, as it has strengthened and toned my body. Practicing yoga has helped me see that I, just as I am, am enough. It has helped me become strong on the inside and soft and flexible on the outside, just like a fish.
And now I am going deeper. The journey will begin for me tonight at 7. I will keep you posted (pun intended).
My mother called me yesterday afternoon to tell me that this picture was hanging on the “success wall” at our physical therapist/personal trainer’s office. Specifically she said that it had been printed as an 8 by 10, and that it was cut into an oval shape. She had forgotten that she texted the pic to her PT after it was taken in September…
We were in DC. This was early September, about four months after I wrote my open love letter to Common (see “Love’s Call”) and about 4 days after the full moon in Pisces. It was a blue moon. The weather was bad and I remember thinking that was interesting. His flight to DC was delayed; he had been re-routed to Norfolk Virgina from New York City. It was fashion week.
Common was being honored that night by a community martial arts program. Specifically they were giving him an award in the name of Paul Robeson - the famed American singer, actor, athlete, political activist, Princeton native and Rutgers grad.
Paul Robeson
In her earlier summer travels to DC, Talithea had seen a flyer advertising this event and she got tickets for us.It was a peculiar night.
Talithea had invited two friends along, which I initially had some trepidation about because I did not know how I was going to be… The four of us sat in the audience of the Lincoln theatre and waited for Common to arrive; it was a seemingly endless wait. We received periodic updates on his flight status from his personal assistant, Kayla.
When he arrived, he was interviewed and it was beautiful to hear from him; to breathe the same air and to be in the same room.
I was happy.
And when the show was over, my friends suggested that I go back stage to pass him a note. But I couldn’t do that, it didn’t feel natural to me. I didn’t feel brave enough for that sort of thing.
So I didn’t.
After we left the theatre, our parties split. Talithea and I went to a restaurant on U Street, and our friends (Pierre and Talia) went to a “margarita spot” a few blocks away. About 10 minutes into the dinner, after I had declared my desire to go home, we received a text from Pierre telling us to get to the margarita spot quick!
Common was sitting three tables away from them.
Tee and I took a cab to the restaurant and joined Pierre and company. With just three tables between us; this was the point that I had what can best be described as a mini panic attack. Thankfully it was confined to our table and didn’t involve noise.
I was overwhelmed.
I watched as people went up to his table and asked for pictures. He was kind and gracious with them. Everyone at our table (by this time Pierre and Talia had been joined by a friend from Howard) had opinions about what I should be doing in that moment. I couldn’t hear them. However, I do recall Pierre suggesting that I write about this at some point. Thanks Pierre .
They wanted me to go to his table, to pass him a note - but I didn’t want to move unless God was telling me to. So I sat still.
At some point I called Klay and asked him to pray with me live on the phone. Or maybe Talithea called Klay, I can’t remember. By this time, I had frustrated our party so they left Talithea and I at the restaurant alone, lol. And with just Tee and I at the table, I reached across and held her hand while Klay prayed for me on my cell phone in my ear. Tee couldn’t hear what Klay was saying but she was praying anyway – I so appreciated it.
When we lifted our heads from prayer, Talithea saw Kayla (Common’s assistant) get up to go the bathroom and she popped up behind her and followed her. I will never know all that Talithea said to Kayla in the bathroom that night, but I know she told her about Thank You Very Sweet and I think she also told her it was my birthday, lol. It was not my birthday.
Kayla came out of the bathroom before Talithea did and she walked directly over to me. By this time I was standing, as we were preparing to leave. Kayla said “Hi what’s your name?” , I said “Kim”; then she said “Common, this is Kim” I turned and he was right there behind me!
Time stopped.
I’ve heard that he looks everyone in the eye, and he was no different with me. I looked back. I gave him back his penetrating gaze. no blinks.
What I did not give him in that moment were my words. There wasn’t enough time to speak. There were no words sufficient enough to fit into that brief encounter; there were no words sufficient enough to capture the breath of feeling that I have about this person. So I held back my words. Klay kept saying, “Kim he just needs to hear your voice; he needs to hear you speak…” but it wasnt time. I felt the way that Oprah said she felt when she met Sydney Poitier for the first time; how can you adequately capture those feelings into words in such a short amount of time?
We Pisces are intuitive beings. This was our third close encounter in ten years. I will see him again.
soon.
Our mutual gaze lasted about thirty seconds, until Kayla directed us to take a picture. He put his arm around my hip and leaned in, I could feel his strength. He is solid. It only strengthened my attraction to him, adding a physical element. He is tall and strong.
Talithea took the picture.
Tee and I left the restaurant quickly after that. Several of the restuarant staff wanted pictures with him also, so he was detained a bit longer. I did not look back at him as we walked out of the door but Talithea did. She said he did a pivot turn and watched us walk out. “He will be dreaming of the girl in the yellow dress tonight,” Tee said. I hoped so, I chose to believe that.
When we stepped on the curb, a cab came immediately and we left.
And in the time since then, this picture has been sent around to my friend network via text. And two of my besties (Tee and Kristen) have printed it and put it on their vision boards, as have I. And now it’s on the success wall at my personal trainer’s office.
And now it is also here for you to see. It is here for the 13,000+ people who have read this blog so far, and those who are yet to come. Believe with me if you choose.
This story isn’t over.
My bad, I was wrong to end this blog 7 months ago. I am still living and I have much to share.
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Last night, as I talked to Klay before bed, he reminded me that life is a journey, not a destination. And this morning at 6AM I woke up, arrested, with a voice so deep telling me to get up and start writing….. more.
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies.
I say, It’s in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees.
I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can’t touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can’t see.
I say, It’s in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style.
I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
Now you understand Just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud.
I say, It’s in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care,
’Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
This is the last post that I am going to write for Thank You Very Sweet and I am so excited about it. I have been excited for the past few months. Many of you who have read along with me on this journey may have wondered where this was heading, but I knew it would end here. With a call. I just didn’t know that the call was going to be as specific as it is about to be..
First let me say that it has been two years since Kesner died and I have grieved him. I wanted to make sure that I processed this experience thoroughly so that I would not carry unsettled feelings into the relationship of my future. I didnt want that for myself or my family, so I walked carefully through my valley and I shared my journey along the way. But now I am being drawn out, toward the Light.
Red Lotus
Before I commence my love letter, let me share with you what the prophets have told me about my future: I was told three years ago that I would have two great loves – Kesner was my first great love and there is a great love ahead. I am meant to be in a committed monogamous relationship that is very passionate. This person and I will be making love into our old age. I am meant to be with an athlete. My husband is the type of person who is sensitive to people’s energy; our hearts are similar and we have probably known each other in a past life. He has a small immediate family and a large extended family. We are both leaders. We will have two children. And we will have the type of romance that great novels are written about.
The hope for this love has sustained me through many dark moments along the way – Who could this incredible person be?
And then the most wonderful thing happened. In November, 2011, I was re-introduced to a really incredible man. And I have spent the last few months trying to discern what his purpose is in my life. Perhaps he is just meant to inspire me, he has done that. But hopefully there is more. I asked God to stop me if I am not meant to write this letter.
You are blowing my mind right now. My heart is dancing in my chest. I hope I can find the right words to say to you. More so, I hope you feel my energy.
This all began for me back in November. I was home in Cleveland for Thanksgiving and my mom had a movie on DVR that she wanted me to see: ”…Just Wright, with Common and Queen Latifah”. You were on the screen for five minutes when I turned to my mom and said “I want Common to play Kesner in my movie.” By this time I was living into the vision that Thank You Very Sweet will be a movie one day.
My mom said “Really? I think Laz Alonzo looks more like Kesner..” But it wasn’t the look, it was The Light. I saw it. In your eyes I saw a light that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I saw joy in your face. I hadn’t seen that in a while. And I was drawn to it.
A few weeks later I was sitting in the barber shop when I got a text from Klay. We were envisioning together and he asked me “Kim who am I envisioning for your husband?“ Without giving a lot of thought to it, I said: “Common.” And as soon as I said it, you came on TV! You were doing a freestyle on a cooking show…
And that’s when the fun began.
I started seeing you everywhere in the Fall and Winter. You were promoting your show, and your book , and your album. You were all over the media and I felt so happy for you. It seemed like your universe was blazing hot and I was celebrating with you because I am a Pisces also, our sign is on the rise…
Neptune is in Pisces!!
I decided that I should probably get to know more about you though, so I read One Day It’ll All Make Sense. I purchased and listened to The Dreamer /The Believer and I started tuning into your show on AMC.nnI liked the show; towards the end of the season I started to feel really angry with your character, Elam – you are a great actor, Rashid. And I love the album, it has been in my changer since I got it. But I must say that the memoir was most edifying to me.
I read it slowly. You had quotes in there like this one:
“All of us have dirt under our finger nails from time to time. The dirt, along with your great acts, is what makes you a beautiful human being. There’s not one person on this earth who’s all positive. Life exists as we know it with sin. A man and a woman (thank you for your gender inclusive language…) are strengthened by the work they do to overcome that sin, and the process they go through to defeat it and live above it.” – p. 203.
I thought to myself: I want to spend my life with someone who thinks this way. What a wise and evolved thing to say. Around January I opened a file on my computer called “Letters to my Husband.” I began to write private love letters to you…
Whats funny to me is that we have met before. We had breakfast together once. We were at a party in New York, your friend was interested in my friend and the four of us went out for breakfast after the club. I think this was around 2003. You ordered black beans and chips. I don’t remember much more than that. I probably seemed very aloof and stand-offish to you because I can be shy in person. Sometimes it is easier for me to express myself in writing.
I saw you again at President Obama’s inauguration. We were in close proximity, but this time there were droves of women around you trying to take pictures. That’s not really my style. That’s what makes this crush I have so interesting and ironic for me.
I have a crush on you, Rashid. I think you’re The Greatest. You use words for good, and in the direction of truth and love. Words like these:
You craft messages that inspire people and you provide a social commentary in your music that seems true to life. And true to the story of Black people in this country. I always like to say that I believe in universal humanism, but universal humanism and equality require us to be unapologetically Black. Seems like I get that vibe from your music.
Your faith is another reason that I am interested in you. You walk on water – so do I. I was so tickled to read that in your book, that you have a “walk-on-water” type of faith. I say that all of the time. I am walking on water as we speak.
Your apparent complexity is a third reason. You seem like the type of person that I would enjoy getting to know forever. My friend, Mara, who has been married for more than 30 years says that the key for her marriage is that she is continuing to learn new things about her husband every day. how wonderful. How wonderful to continue to learn about your partner. And to continue to grow and evolve as you journey through life as a team – side by side.
I dream of having a mutually expansive soul partnership with a man of my dreams. One where my husband and I sharpen each other and support one another. One where my husband and I do good works together and separately. One where we live our dreams and where we raise emotionally intelligent children who are whole and who can express themselves, love others, strive for greatness, and dream. Could you be that guy? Could our love be a ministry? Could our love feel something like this?:
Or are you just meant to inspire me?
You have done that, Rashid. Nothing bad has come from this feeling I have. I am physically healthier than I have ever been, your book reminded me about the importance of conditioning and preparation. I will be fit for the rest of my life. I have also stopped eating meat. And most importantly hope has returned to me. The thought of you adds so many brilliant colors to the tapestry of my dreams. Thank you.
I suppose you’ll want to know more about who I am. You will find a lot of that here on this blog. I suggest starting at chapter one. But I will tell you now that I am brave, I am passionate and I am sensitive. And Lonnie Rashid Lynn, I am crazy about you.
I got a fortune cookie about 8 moths ago with a message that said that “The Love of Your Life Will Appear Before You Unexpectedly.” It was so specific that I held on to it. And I have been living with expectancy ever since. It would be great if that love were you, I invite you to come find me.I will be around the east coast for a while: NJ, NY, Philly. Then I’m heading to the mountains for the summer, close to Montreal - which might be nice. I’ll also be in Orlando, Atlanta, DC, Cleveland and probably the Delaware shore before the summer ends. And in Chicago in the fall… And possibly LA. I invite you to come find me…
And for what you mean to me already. For what you have meant to me along the Journey, I want to say to you: Thank You Very Sweet!
Love, Kim
Kimberley’s Fairytale:
Once upon a time there was a Black Princess who had a heart for justice. One day she met a Prince and fell very deeply in love. The Prince and the Princess dreamed of a life of doing good works together, but one day lightning struck and the Prince died suddenly.
The Princess was very sad and she grieved for a long time. She gave away all of her clothes and she cut off all of her hair, and she went home to rest with her family for a while.
However, knowing that she eventually had to heal from her trauma, the Princess began telling her story and she shared it with anyone who wanted to read it. And as the Princess wrote; as she delved deeply into her soul and reflected on the wonders of her life, she began to heal.
Over time her agency returned to her, and her confidence, and her passion. Over time She began to dream and live fully once again.
Yes, the Princess was regaining her strength; but she still missed the feeling of being in love. That is until one day when she turned on the television and she saw a King on TV. The King was beautiful and wise and masculine and strong and interesting and smart. This man walked amongst other Kings, but he had not lost the Common touch. The Princess valued that, because she was also one who could walk into any room..
The King was a poet and he spoke about justice; he had a light in his eyes and a swag in his step that awakened something in her. Suddenly she wanted to be more than who she was, she began to aspire to become a Queen.
Dreaming about the King caused the Princess to hope, once again, in the possibilities of LOVE. So the Princess decided to use words to call her King to her. She sent a decree out before all the land saying this:
Come, say to me through your actions that Love has found its resting place..
Come, wrestle with me through the endings..
Come, taste my fragrance night after night..
Come, dance into my waves..
Come, lock the door of stability..*
And after she issued the decree, the Princess went back to doing the work she was called to do, resting in the knowing that her love would find her…
I’ll tell you the rest when I see you.
*excerpts from “Love’s Obsession” by Klay Williams
When I was preparing to leave Wall Street and head to Seminary, a woman from my church named Samantha Pitre gave me a book called the Dream Giver.
The book opens with a parable about a little boy named Ordinary who lives in Familiar Town. Everyone in Familiar Town does the same thing every day: they go to work, come home, watch the box, and go to bed.
One day Ordinary is visited by the Dream Giver and the Dream Giver leaves him with a dream of something different, the symbol of which is a feather. Feeling that he must do something with this feather, Ordinary decides to leave Familiar town to pursue his dream.
Ordinary does not get to his dream right away, however. Pursuit of the dream becomes a hot and lonely road for Ordinary, as it seems he is cast out into the desert for a while. He runs out of food and he runs out of water, and he gets frustrated. But whenever he is hungry, food miraculously appears. And whenever he is thirsty, water appears.
But Ordinary begins to doubt, and he gets really really mad.
He is almost ready to turn around, when he meets a woman named Faith.
Faith leads Ordinary the rest of the way. Faith leads him through the remainder of the desert and into a new and fertile place.
A beautiful and lush place, except there are giants in this new place that Ordinary has to navigate around. Faith helps him navigate those Giants; and eventually Faith leads Ordinary to his dream, which is far more brilliant than his initial vision.
I am Ordinary and I left Familiar Town when I left Wall Street and went to Princeton Theological Seminary in 2005.
Finding my way…
The Dream Giver gave me a vision of something different: a life of purpose and meaning. So I left the world that I knew.
God often sends us two-by-two: With Talithea at the Brooklyn Promenade, looking out over “Lady Liberty” with skepticsim. Are we free?
But I did not arrive at my dream right away. I walked (sometimes crawled) through a desert. I made so many financial sacrifices in order to be in ministry, there were times that I didnt know how I would live. But as I look back, I realize that I have never gone without. Whenever I was hungry, there was food. Whenever I was thirsty, there was water.
But just like Ordinary, I reached that burning hot place in my journey; that place where I didn’t want to do another thing. All I wanted to do was turn around. This was June 2010 when The Women Center closed and the I found Kesner dead. “Why Cant this Just be easy?!” I hollered and cried. I was ready to throw in the towel and abandon this “road less-traveled” for a path that felt more ordinary…
But then I met Faith
Winston Churchill said : “when you are going through hell, keep going…” Dont stop there.
I realized that if I didn’t have faith, faith that one day things would get better, then I had nothing. I realized that at 30, I was too young for the rest of my life to be hot, miserable and ordinary. Change would have to come. So I followed faith through the remainder of my desert. I worked hard, and I did the best that I could with my circumstance – and the hot moment has passed.
Today I am on that plush, fertile ground – and Faith is there helping me navigate my giants.
I have just completed my second year of course work at Rutgers and I have two more years until completion of my PhD. Funding is no longer an issue for me, as I am now a Ralph Bunche Fellow, A Pre Doctoral Leadership Institute Fellow, an Eagleton Institute of Politics Fellow and the recipient of the 2011 Dean’s Award.I have experienced miracle after miracle, but as my friend Amanda says: “life is a series of a thousand tiny miracles..”
Amanda and Me on Christmas Day
I recognize the miracles now.
I have also been involved in really interesting projects: I participated in an evaluation of New Jersey’s Fugitive Safe Surrender Program, I am involved in a national study of probation officer’s use of opportunity focused reentry strategies, and I am involved in a state-wide prison based higher education initiative. I will be co-piloting a prison-based intro to criminal justice course in the fall. This class will be taught in the confines of a prison using the Inside Out model: half of the students will come from Rutgers and the other half will be incarcerated students. I’m so excited.
As my good friend Andrea often says: “my universe is on fire.”
Me and Andrea at Jessie’s Bachelorette Party
Rutgers is truly fertile ground for me.
But I still have giants ahead of me. Giants like navigating the social politics of the academy. And giants like adapting to social science research - I have a liberal arts background. I have Giants ahead of me like my dissertation…
But faith will guide me through.
I am also in a fertile place in my personal life. I am loving life and having a good time again!
Doing the Dougie with Doug E. Fresh at The Apollo Spring Gala last year – I’m having a good time again..
Yet I navigate around giants in my personal life as well. Giants like evolving friendships, occasional personal attacks, personal growth and self acceptance. And giants like patiently (sometimes desperately) waiting for “The One” to enter my life.
Faith is leading me through that also. And I cant wait to see what is on the other side.
Can I share with you some things that I am envisioning?
1) In my lifetime, I will produce groundbreaking research that impacts social policy and I will be an award-winning ethnographer engaged in urban sociology. I will be a policy scholar. I will be top in my field.
2) I will be a professor, the type that engages students. Every student that I meet is a potential change agent, I will take those interactions very seriously. I will work to bring a message of justice, critical thought, communication and empowerment to young adults.
3) I will never stray too far from incarcerated people. I will teach in prisons as often as I can and I will be a public advocate for penal justice reform.
4) Politics may be in my future. And it would also be interesting to be an HBCU president one day…
5) I am also going to preach The Gospel. I will use my words in the direction of truth and love. I will preach the Gospel in many forms. I will speak. I will write. I am a writer and I will be writing for the rest of my life.
6) The Women Center will resurrect in Trenton, NJ in some form. There will be like services available for women living at and below the poverty level once again. Trenton will experience a renewal.
I will share some personal romantic goals shortly….
7) As for Thank You Very Sweet – I see a movie. And a book. And a play. This is a beginning.
And I also see a school. The William Cook School in Trenton New Jersey is a school in Kesner’s old ward that has been abandoned for more than ten years. Kesner felt very passionately about this school because of the message that it sent to children in the community about the value of education.
One day this school will be The Kesner Dufresne Academy for Boys.
The Kesner Dufresne Academy for Boys
This will be a top school with a highly ranked athletic program. All students will matriculate to college. Our target students will be low income boys of color.
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I have a beautiful and vibrant life ahead, a spectacular dream. I wear feathers a lot now, to symbolize this dream that the Dream Giver has given to me.
So at this time, I would like to say thank you, To God:
Dear God,
Thank you for the Journey. I doubted you. I was angry. I questioned you. And you forgave me. I finally read the book of Job from start to finish and I was convicted. Who am I to question your works? You have showered me with grace. Your perfect LOVE has carried me through. I understand more now and I have become more wise because of this experience – how dare I question your plan? Years ago, I asked you for wisdom. You are granting it.
I become more wise every day.
I’m sorry.. I love you.. Forgive me.. is all that I can say. Words don’t come easily.. But thankfully when the words don’t come, you simply say: Baby can I hold you tonight?
And you do.
I love you God. And I thank you. Thank you for Kesner, Thank you for my friends and family, Thank you for this blog, and Thank you for every person that stops here to read it.
And Thank you for my vision. I am so excited about it!!!
To you, God; aka The Universe; aka Jehovah; aka The Dream Giver; aka LOVE; aka The Present; aka Higher Power; aka whatever name suits you:
“If we walked this way, if we changed our pace, would love remain the same forever?”- Anthony Hamilton
Our song, Beautiful Wonderful, is what you are and always will be to me. Kesner Dufresne I have grown from knowing you, and I am sustained by the strength of your love which I still feel in this moment. Baby thank you for every time that you told me I was beautiful. Thank you for every date. Thank you for slow dances in the park at midnight, for the 6 mile canoe ride, and for the way that you held me so tightly whenever we embraced. And for the mature love that you shared with me when my love for you was not always so mature. I am different now, but you know that. I know you see me. I know you’re with me.
I will always love you Kesner. And I know that even though your footprints have been erased on this earth, I can always meet you by the old fence for the day – if I need to.
But it’s time now for me to open myself up to romantic love. My husband. My great love ahead.
My Angel, I know you have been screening him, the love of my future. you know who he is. And becasue of the way you loved me, and because of God’s LOVE, I know who I am. I am ready.
When Courtney and I laid in the grass at Horshoe Lake just after you died and I asked her if her dad ever came to visit her from Heaven, she said yes but she feels bad when she calls his name. She said she knows that when she calls on him, it is taking him away from the Glorious Band of Angels.
Have I kept you from the angels, Kes? I imagine so… You were there with me whenever I cried out for you and sometimes I feel you when the wind blows, and the birds soar. But I dont want to keep you from the Angels. Go and play with them, Handsome; dance and sing and laugh with them. I see you dancing in Heaven, happy. Dont worry about me, I’m ok now. Im whole. I’m better.
And I have so much gratitude in my heart for our LOVE story. I will always love you and I will always honor and cherish your memory.
