A word about grief… it really sucks. but today is not so bad. My counselor in Cleveland, Monica – who is pretty awesome (I know this only after going to a really bad counselor in NJ who kept asking me the same questions over and over again) – said that grief is like being caught in a wave. There are calm parts of the wave – those times when you think you are ok – and then just when things begin to smooth over a bit, you get jolted and completely flip upside down again. it takes you under. deep. And you cant see anything but darkness.
And the thing about people is that you pretty much are always ok when you are talking to them. otherwise you wouldn’t be talking to them. so everyone thinks you’re ok. they check in… ask: how are you doing? you ok?
“yes, im ok.”
but a lot of the time you aren’t … and you want to scream:
NO! Im not F-ing ok, would you be ok?!?
But that would not be polite. or very Christian. I say to myself: After all, Kim, these are the questions that you would be asking if the shoe were not on your foot. everybody wants their friend to be ok…
I was in a really dark place on sunday night. sitting alone watching the Law & Order SVU sinful clergy marathon, drinking wine and screaming at God. well maybe not screaming – I live with a nice retired couple who probably wouldn’t appreciate me screaming at God in their basement. But I was definitely angry and sad and saying over and over HELP ME..HELP ME! Help me what, you ask? well I figure if you go through something as horrible as finding the person you love dead in their house you shouldn’t have to go through anything else. things should be easy. but they are not easy. Im in the desert. I’m broke for one. A broke grad student. at 30. is this my life? I just spent the last two years working harder than I should have for a small disorganized faith-based non profit who opted out of paying unemployment benefits on behalf of their staff. so no unemployment for me. I am a PhD fellow at rutgers university but my fellowship sure is taking a long time to hit my chase account. urghh!
I do live in a mansion for free, which is consistent with the paradox that is my life – but in that moment on Sunday my cell phone service had just been cut off and I was screaming (aka speaking in a reasonably toned angry voice):
HELP ME GOD!
God led me to my car and I went for a drive. My Tracy Chapman CD was in the player (her first album), and suddenly the song “Baby Can I hold Tonight” came on. I had two epiphanies: 1 – this was me and God’s song. At first I was singing it to God, and then God sang it right back to me. The second epiphany is that I am going to start writing about this experience. And I am going to share it.
Me and God and Kesner’s spirit went home and I felt helped. the wave calmed down just in time for Keeping up with the Kardashians. I went to sleep after that. Tomorrow would be another day and I could keep going..
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